The Language Hack That Changes Everything

Folks who know me well know that I’m pretty disciplined when it comes to following through on goals and healthy habits. Over the years, I’ve chilled out (a little) thanks to my husband. Instead of being Type A, I’m more like Type A-minus now. For instance, there was a period when I wouldn’t do anything until I’d completed 108 prostrations and meditation first thing in the morning. Now, while daily spiritual practice is still vital, I’ve relaxed a bit on the how of it, as long as it feels aligned. Seriously though, we all have aspirations, and I love this quote from Thich Nhat Hanh: “Each of us should have an aspiration, a dream, a deep desire, so that we come alive.” My aspirations make me feel ALIVE.

While achievement for its own sake leads to inevitable suffering, when our goals are noble and support bringing more wholesomeness and goodness into the world, we need to find ways to stay the course on this long and winding path of life.

In our daily lives, we often encounter challenges to our willpower that steer us away from our long-term goals. Whether it’s cultivating greater kindness and curiosity toward ourselves or others, eating more vegetables, or sticking to an exercise routine despite a busy schedule, the language we use in these moments can significantly impact our ability to stay on track.

A year ago, I came across some powerful research that unveiled a simple yet powerful linguistic tool to enhance self-control and stay committed to goals: the difference between saying “I don’t” versus “I can’t.”

The Power of “I Don’t”

For example, I’ve found that sugar really impacts my overall well-being, so I’m conscious of how much sugar I ingest that isn’t naturally found in vegetables and fruits. Instead of saying, “I can’t have refined sugar” every time I’m tempted, I say, “I don’t eat refined sugar.” While these statements might seem interchangeable, they have distinct psychological impacts.

The research found that framing your refusal as “I don’t” is significantly more empowering than “I can’t.” When you say “I don’t,” you affirm your control and reinforce a sense of personal willpower. It’s a declaration of your identity and choices, making it easier to resist temptations and stick to your goals.

I’ve also found it super helpful in guarding my mind and “selective watering.” Key mantras I employ now are: I DON’T DO OVERWHELM. I DON’T DO RESENTMENT. I DON’T DO GUILT. These are three key areas I don’t want to cultivate in my life, and I’ve found it super empowering to use the language of I DON’T.

Real-World Applications

The benefits of using “I don’t” over “I can’t” are not just theoretical. In a field study, participants who adopted the “I don’t” strategy persisted longer in their health and wellness goals compared to those who used “I can’t” or no specific strategy at all.

This simple change in language can be applied to various aspects of life. I invite you to try it out. For example:

• Nutrition: Instead of saying “I can’t eat sugary snacks,” try saying “I don’t eat sugary snacks.”
• Exercise: Replace “I can’t skip my workout” with “I don’t skip my workout.”
• Focus: Swap “I can’t procrastinate” for “I don’t procrastinate.”

Here are instructions for incorporating “I DON’T” into your life:

TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE WITH TWO WORDS

Use “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” to empower yourself and reinforce agency.

Why “I Don’t” Works

Agency: Saying “I don’t” shifts the focus from external restrictions to internal empowerment, reinforcing your commitment to your goals.

Consistency: “I don’t” suggests a permanent and stable stance, whereas “I can’t” implies a temporary limitation. This consistency helps solidify your habits.

Affirmation: “I don’t” aligns with your identity and personal values. It becomes a part of who you are, rather than a rule imposed on you.

Practical Tips for Implementing “I Don’t”

Identify Your Goals: Clearly define the goals you want to achieve and the challenges you may need to overcome.

Practice the Language: Consistently use “I don’t” in your self-talk. For example, say “I don’t check my phone before meditating” instead of “I can’t check my phone until I meditate.”

Stay Consistent: Reinforce your self-talk by consistently applying it in relevant situations. The more you use it, the stronger its impact will be.

Start using “I don’t” today and see the positive changes it brings

The subtle shift from “I can’t” to “I don’t” can have profound effects on your ability to stay committed to your goals. By empowering yourself through language, you can enhance your discipline in various areas of your life. This month, I invite you to start practicing this simple yet powerful strategy and witness the positive changes it brings to your life.

Author Bio: Meena Srinivasan is a contemplative leader, celebrated speaker, accomplished author, and visionary edupreneur. She is an educator-activist at heart, consistently championing the fusion of Mindfulness, Emotional Intelligence, and Belonging. Meena was featured as one of 2022’s 10 Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement in Mindful Magazine and is the Executive Director of Transformative Educational Leadership (TEL)™ an organization that supports educational leaders in building more compassionate and just schools. A former public school administrator and National Board Certified Teacher, Meena is the creative force behind the SEL Every Day Online Courses, an instructor of graduate level Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) courses at UC Berkeley and the CEO of Karuna Consulting, LLC, an organization that takes its name from the Sanskrit word ‘Karuna,’ signifying compassion. Karuna Consulting is a certified Minority Business Enterprise (MBE) driven by a profound mission: to foster a more compassionate world through Meena’s keynotes, professional learning, coaching, and consulting services. She is the author of numerous publications including Teach, Breathe, Learn and SEL Every Day. The latter was honored as one of 2019’s Favorite Books for Educators by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Her TEDx talk on Tenderness is one of the most popular TEDx talks of 2024 (with over 2 million views). Meena has been practicing yoga and meditation for over 25 years, is an ordained Zen Buddhist and serves on the Board of the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation. Learn more at meenasrinivasan.com.