Softening the Fire: Exploring the Sadness Beneath Anger

Anger is a powerful, fiery emotion — sharp, energizing, and often overwhelming. Yet, if we take a moment to sit with it, we may find that beneath that heat lies a quieter truth: heartbreak and sadness, waiting to be seen. These deeper layers often carry pain, disappointment, or unmet needs that our anger shields. By gently turning toward this sadness, we open a path toward healing.

I’ve discovered that there’s a crucial distinction between healthy and harmful anger:

• Healthy Anger: Aims to protect, addresses actions and situations, is thoughtful and aware of consequences, and is rooted in care and the wish for well-being.
• Harmful Anger: Aims to hurt and damage, attacks people and strips away humanity, is impulsive and ignores the effects on others, and is driven by fear and self-defense.

One practice that has helped me uncover the sadness and unmet needs beneath my anger is journaling, which I call “Writing Through the Layers.” Here’s how you can try it:

1. Set aside 10–15 minutes with a journal.
2. Begin with the prompt: “What is my anger trying to communicate to me?”
3. Let the pen flow without judgment, allowing yourself to be open to what emerges. As you dig deeper, you may find sadness and vulnerability surface, offering clarity and release.

Anger often serves as a signal, calling for our deeper attention. When we gently turn toward the sadness beneath it, we may find our anger softening, revealing a heart that yearns to be understood and loved. By staying with these tender emotions, we nurture self-compassion and healing.

The next time anger arises, may you hold it with tenderness and curiosity, allowing yourself to explore what lies beneath.

Author Bio: Meena Srinivasan is a contemplative leader, celebrated speaker, accomplished author, and visionary edupreneur. She is an educator-activist at heart, consistently championing the fusion of Mindfulness, Emotional Intelligence, and Belonging. Meena was featured as one of 2022’s 10 Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement in Mindful Magazine and is the Executive Director of Transformative Educational Leadership (TEL)™ an organization that supports educational leaders in building more compassionate and just schools. A former public school administrator and National Board Certified Teacher, Meena is the creative force behind the SEL Every Day Online Courses, an instructor of graduate level Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) courses at UC Berkeley and the CEO of Karuna Consulting, LLC, an organization that takes its name from the Sanskrit word ‘Karuna,’ signifying compassion. Karuna Consulting is a certified Minority Business Enterprise (MBE) driven by a profound mission: to foster a more compassionate world through Meena’s keynotes, professional learning, coaching, and consulting services. She is the author of numerous publications including Teach, Breathe, Learn and SEL Every Day. The latter was honored as one of 2019’s Favorite Books for Educators by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Her TEDx talk on Tenderness is one of the most popular TEDx talks of 2024 (with over 2 million views). Meena has been practicing yoga and meditation for over 25 years, is an ordained Zen Buddhist and serves on the Board of the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation. Learn more at meenasrinivasan.com.